Michelle really likes it.
With the Republican primary voting now underway, it should be becoming more and more evident that the drama being reported by the mainstream media is just its endless attempt to add interesting plot points to the narrative of Mitt Romney’s obvious eventual victory. It should be, but it’s not. Why? Because Americans are all too happy to see a story where there isn’t one. They aren’t interested in politics, they are interested in
sideshows.
Michelle Bachmann could be the first woman President! No she can’t. She believes you can cure homosexuality and that it’s OK to ban some books. Herman Cain! He’s the answer. 9-9-9! Yeah, right. Buy one pizza, get one free. What a joker. Newt Gingrich! He’s atoned for his past marital discrepancies and he’s a student of political history! Uhm…yeah. Unfortunately, he’s also a condescending prick. Rick Santorum! He’s surging in Iowa and he’s the social conservative we all need! Sorry. Rick Santorum worries that if we don’t reinstate sodomy laws people all over the country will start having sex with animals. Frankly, the only competing candidate that might have enough of a head on his shoulders to actually form and articulate a reasonable idea is Ron Paul, and the media isn’t even covering him. Why? Because he’s a boring old dude whose chief concern is monetary policy. What a snore!
But what happens when Mitt inevitably wins the nomination, the sideshows are over, and we settle into an actual discussion of the differences between Republicans and Democrats? Our incumbent President won’t have the same benefits that Mitt did leading up to his nomination. He’ll actually have to win on the issues. Unless…
Unless someone has a brilliant idea for how Mr. Obama can steal the scene with an interesting sideshow of his own. Someone who understands that getting elected has less to do with what you believe and more to do with how much attention you’re currently getting when people go to the polls. I’m here to tell you that I have such an idea. It’s an idea that will make the American people shift their focus from the issues directly into the face of our incumbent leader. This idea’s simplicity is its brilliance. Are you ready for this? Here it is: The President should grow a beard.
Now here me out. Don’t dismiss this. Imagine what would happen if the President walked on stage at the first debate with a huge, bushy beard. People would be flabbergasted! You can picture the reporting already:
“From NPR news, this is ‘All Things Considered,’ I’m Melissa Block.”
“And I’m Robert Siegel. We turn now to the presidential debates and political correspondent Cokie Roberts, who was present at last evening’s event. Cokie, let’s get to the most important question first: Just what are people saying about the President’s beard?”
Imagine the hallway conversations at work the next day: “Dude, did you see Barack’s beard last night? That thing is sweet.” It will quickly become a topic all its own. Imagine the newspaper headline and corresponding picture. Do you think the focus will be on clean cut Mitt Romney, or on Barack Obama? Alliteration opportunities alone will favor the incumbent: “Bearded Barack Battles Businessman.”
People will forget about the economy, the need for jobs, and the war in Afghanistan. They’ll just want to know more about the President’s beard. Reporters will ask him: “Mr. President, what inspired you to grow the beard?” And this is where the President can really take advantage of the situation. Here’s what he should do. First, stop for a minute and stroke that thing. Try to look thoughtful and presidential. Then, lean forward to the microphone, and just calmly say, “Well, Michelle really likes it.” Genius! It’s a win-win! Religious and conservative people will quietly commend him for doing something for his wife and marriage despite the pressures of leading the country. The rest of us will quietly assume that Michelle likes the way that thing tickles her thighs when Barack goes downtown. And who doesn’t like a virile President when the other candidate looks like he belongs in a Cialis commercial?
Comics will have a field day. Late night hosts will conduct mock polls asking voters who they would prefer: Mitt Romney or Barack Obama’s Beard? The beard will win in a landslide. Barack’s campaign managers will blanket the nation with fake beards for supporters to where to rallies. Celebrites will have their pictures in People magazine wearing them.
And the beauty of growing a big bushy beard is that you can make the story live on. At the next debate, simply trim it back and go for the goatee. Reporters will focus on it all over again. Imagine the television commentary as Barack enters the building: “And now as the President approaches the stage, one has got to wonder how Mitt Romney will attack him this…wait a second. Is that a goatee? The President has apparently decided to appeal to a younger audience this evening by trimming back his beard into a rather stylish goatee and…can we get a close-up here? Are those sideburns? Yes they are. Long sideburns. I wonder how Michelle feels about that!” The whispering and speculation will begin immediately. Sure, you might get some head shakes from the older crowd, but big deal? At the third debate you can trim it all back again and mount the stage with an old school mustache. You know, a real Wilford Brimley number. The folks down in Florida will love it.
Before long, the focus of everyone’s attention will be the President’s facial hair, and he’ll ride the momentum right into his second term. Mitt Romney will fade back into the shadows, desperately trying to remind everyone that he’s a business man and that the country needs some economic recovery. Perhaps he’ll try in vain to grow a beard of his own, but by then all hope will be lost. He’ll trudge off the stage and on to the speaking circuit, quickly being relegated to a footnote in history. People will forget his name. “Remember that dude that ran against Barack?” people will say years later. “What was his name again? That old dude who tried to grow a beard at the end? What a joker.”
